I dunno, but I seem to have lost direction in the last 24-48 hours. It is as if the mind is saying "Hey there, smart guy, look...this is what you must be doing"...but it is as if some overwhelming force takes over me completely and makes me do stupid stuff which only causes trouble later.
And then there are some moments when I literally feel like kicking myself. Or wish that I could drown myself, sink to the bottom of an ice cold pool of water...just so that I can 'hear' the silence. Don't get me wrong, no suicidal tendencies here mate; I guess its just the "lonely warrior" within me who is craving for his own space.
Okay...here goes. It is quarter to 2 in the morning, I have a mild headache, I'd dare not have tea, or else my classes tomorrow morning will suffer, and YET, I feel as if I must blog because one feels that if the voices within are not coherently heard in the mind, one must be flirting with the line of insanity.
So, folks, brace yourself for a...I dunno...'heavy' (?) post. A warning after full 4 paragraphs ?? Treat it as a trailer, will ya ?
To start the proceedings, let me show you an image which has been flashing itself in my mind's eye for some days now:
The image shows Arjuna, the ultimate warrior, at the feet of Lord Krishna. Krishna has just shown all his forms to Arjuna. Of course, the Bhagavad Gita starts with Arjuna voicing his internal turmoil to the Lord. He (Arjuna) is stranded between the powerful call of duty (karma) and his personal emotions. It is then that Krishna calls Arjuna a coward and goads him onto his duty.
Another image which I often see is that of a warrior (like I said earlier, I call him the "lonely warrior") sitting in a meditating pose and concentrating all his thoughts, powers and energies on a single thought. And although the warrior looks calm and peaceful from outside, one can clearly see the great power manifested within, the power which must be carefully kept in control for it can create and destroy, all with one look.
Somewhere, I feel, all human beings are like Arjuna in the first imagery and like the warrior in the second. We all have our personal battles to fight, and the journey of life turns into nothing but a huge battlefield which we must travel through. We must control our emotions (remember the horses which lead Arjuna's chariot hither and thither?), and the best hands to leave them in are that of 'Madhusudan', the one who knows all and is the giver of perfect knowledge.
Of course, it ain't easy to follow all his directions, brother.
One, and I repeat, ONE of the many reasons why my mind is in a more active state of turmoil is because I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 and a half years. Life was, and continues to be, tough. But, I've survived the storm, and though the ship hasn't yet sighted daylight and though the dark, murky waters continue to swell threateningly all around, I somehow know that the ship shall weather the upcoming storm too; and emerge stronger out of it.
Then there are questions regarding my professional life. (sigh)
Whenever I am in trouble, or feel suffocated (like right now) and feel like tearing myself apart what with all the questions and doubts that I have in my mind about myself, I read the works of Swami Vivekananda. Whenever I read his essays, I feel as if I am humbly at the feet of the master himself and can almost hear him shouting out the words I read, urging me to action...in much the same way that Krishna beckoned Arjuna. I guess this is just the figment of a hyper-imaginative guy, whose conscience is projected in the form of Vivekananda. No issues... helps me know whether what I'm doing is correct or otherwise.
However, there is one particular quote: "Do not look back on what has been done. Go ahead!" This again, is an extremely powerful quote; one that I often quote to myself reminding myself that moving ahead should always be the goal. And if you've made a mistake, learn from it, rub it into your system so well that you never ever make the mistake again...and move on. The world is an unforgiving one, and shall definitely not wait for he who ponders for longer than is necessary.
But, dear master, it is so difficult to move away from the bondage of the past !! One meekly struggles to free himself from the chains of the past whereas what is required is a full blooded powerful thrust of an individual who has the intellectual might to throw away the shackles and take fearless steps towards his destiny.