Friday, May 25, 2007

Ennui

I’d written the following words down on a night when I was engulfed with thoughts as dark as the night that surrounded me. Yet, even then, in the darkness, I knew that these weren’t negative or pessimistic thoughts as I saw them; they were just normal everyday thoughts, with perhaps a morbid touch to them:

A Million Crazy Questions

Quarter to three in the morning. I yawn, I’m slightly groggy, but sleep eludes me. And why not? I did what I’d promised myself I won’t do two nights ago… I promised myself I wouldn’t think anymore about certain issues. But hey, I’m human. ~smiles~

As the title suggests, this post isn’t about any one particular thought, just a crazy stream of questions. Questions, and a few grasps in the dark for answers that may or may not be correct. Answers, which may perhaps be best left untold.

I wonder if I’m the only 24 year old who’s having this thought, but is it only me or does somebody else out there too feel that all that needs to be done has been done; all that was to be seen has been seen; all that was to be heard has been heard; all that was to be felt…all the tugging of heart-strings, all the tearing feeling within, all the mind-splitting headaches, all the laughs that were to be laughed…

Not even 25, and yet one wonders what could be so exciting that would elicit interest when the sun dawns tomorrow morning.

One wonders if we have actually been human or have we just somehow managed to convince the baser animals within that we have become civilized. We all have at some point in our lives given in to sins of flesh, food and money. Haven’t we been simply selfish all our lives? Or did we actually learn something about ‘human goodness’ from all those early morning assembly prayers at school? Did we actually learn to love another human being or did we simply do it fulfil our own desires of companionship?

I’ll tell you what I don’t feel. I don’t feel sad. Sad would’ve been me sitting with tears rolling down my eyes, but that’s not what’s happening. Sad would’ve been the end of this world, where examples of humanity and brotherhood wouldn’t have existed, but thankfully, that ain’t coming to an end either.

I don’t feel happy either. What purpose are we moving towards? I’m certain there is some great grand picture that we’re a part of, and each one of us has a role to play in the grand scheme of things. But when will the moment of truth dawn upon us? And what’s there to be happy about anyway? You were born alone, you live alone and you die alone. You meet a few interesting, and lots of uninteresting, people along the way. You remember a handful of them for the rest of your life, for the smiles they brought to your lips or the tears that you silently wept for them in the dead of the night.

I’m not ‘Comfortably Numb’ either. Whatever I am, I certainly ain’t ‘comfortable’.

I know exactly how some people are going to react to this post. “You’ve had lots of free time and you need to join your job ASAP so that you have something to keep yourself busy.”

Exactly.

Get me busy before I find out the truth. The answers could be more damning than this state of being in the dark.

[P.S. Background track – ‘Ehsaas’ by Atif.

Main ek fard hoon,
Ya ek ehsaas hoon?

Main ek jism hoon,
Ya rooh ki pyaas hoon?

Sach ki talaash hain,
Door akaash hain.

Manzil paas nahin,
Kya tu mere paas hai?

Kabhi main amla hoon,
Kabhi be-amla hoon.

-------

~translation~

Am I an individual,
Or a feeling?

Am I a body,
Or the thirst of a soul?

I’m in search of the truth,
And the sky is far away.

The destination isn’t close to me,
But are you?

Sometimes I’m a worker,
And sometimes I’m a useless nobody.]

----------------------------------

~End of previously written post~

I spoke to ‘Biscuit’ today and during that conversation, I told her something that I feel captured my thoughts and current state of mind. I told her that I feel like “I’m on a wooden raft, in the middle of a wide wide ocean. The water is dead calm and is leading me nowhere. The raft remains where it is and I have no tomorrow and no past. All I have, all I have the power to experience is the fleeting moment which is the present. I have to live my life and make the most out of the present moment."

9 comments:

wanderlust... said...

question of being and purpose!?
what i think, shekhar, is that the answer could be learning and contribution.
learn something new from the world each moment, or minute or day, whatever is comfortable and then contributing something, each moment or minute or day, to this world.
sometimes there will be more learnings than contributions and vice-versa! its upto you in which state you find more peace!
i hope this could be comforting to you?

ani said...

reading through your entire post just one scene played over and over again in head.... 'huge bridge... sumthin like the howrah bridge... in the shadow of one of the railings at 12 noon sleeps a man.. alone... oblivious to the traffic around him... oblivious to all the sounds that surround him...' Its tragic when a man finds his shadows and sleeps... It's beautiful wen he finds his shadows and prances about to explore the possibilities!

Dream Catcher said...

wel wel m late ...but better late then never :) what i feel thru ur post is a deep conscience needing a flight...the numbness of stuff...either its u have got saturated of these feelings n there is nothing which turns..or either u have been getting hard again n agin..which cause in total eruption...taking to zero point...
sometimes stillnes become so prominent that even the rages of ocean seems faint..u r deeply engrossed with that..

hey shekhar..kahi hum apne cheezo n stillness mein itna kho jaate hai ki aas paas ki ashanti jo hame dhyaan deni chahiye use bhi nahi dekh paate...

a suggestive reading"ALCHEMIST" try it..
loved the way u have written this..i can relate it with me..
btw vodka really speaks to u..he he...that was a nice chat ...hope to cya around:)

Gulabo said...

I came and I listened.

JustSo said...

uh-huh !
i was about to write something, and then my brain ( yeah it does work sometimes) told me otherwise.
But one thing I must say is - Take care :)

Shekhar said...

wanderlust:First of all, thanks for dropping by.

And in true spirit of a 'junior', advice taken. :)

ani: :D

dream catcher: Hmm.. I get what you're talking about. Yep, have read the 'Alchemist' a couple of times and perhaps would've been a good read at the time the post was written. :)

And yep, VODKA ROCKS !! :D

gulabo: ~smiles~ Thanks.

justso: ~laughs~ Thanks for your concern lady. :) And yep, you take care too. After all, the promotion only means MORE work. :D

arpana said...

more is being redefined by the amount of workload I have :(
i'll die of an overdose - of work that is :(

Anant said...

logged on to blogspot after a long time and went to ur blog..
well even though ur post seems to be before you joined work.. i can relate to it even after about 2.5 months into the job..

and trust me i have talked to a lot of our friends and all seem to be in the same phase..'

something is different.. its not the same feeling, of freedom maybe.. it will take time to sink in..
what do u have to say?? now that u have been in work fr a month.. is it the same feeling??

Shekhar said...

anant: You know what Anant? It's a BIG change from the kind of lifestyle that we've always had. Every day from our previous life had some moments of masti, some excitement or some new thing happening. Here, things are a little different. The nature of 'new' things that we find out is markedly different. Also, at the end of the day, you don't have time or the energy for anything that you originally used to do to enjoy yourself (football in your case, I guess, and reading books in mine).

Yep, it's a different lifestyle indeed, but we gotta adapt and find out a way to make the most of it. Remember the two cardinal rules?

First, learn all the rules.
Second, now break all the rules.

Cheers mate. :)