Ennui

I’d written the following words down on a night when I was engulfed with thoughts as dark as the night that surrounded me. Yet, even then, in the darkness, I knew that these weren’t negative or pessimistic thoughts as I saw them; they were just normal everyday thoughts, with perhaps a morbid touch to them:

A Million Crazy Questions

Quarter to three in the morning. I yawn, I’m slightly groggy, but sleep eludes me. And why not? I did what I’d promised myself I won’t do two nights ago… I promised myself I wouldn’t think anymore about certain issues. But hey, I’m human. ~smiles~

As the title suggests, this post isn’t about any one particular thought, just a crazy stream of questions. Questions, and a few grasps in the dark for answers that may or may not be correct. Answers, which may perhaps be best left untold.

I wonder if I’m the only 24 year old who’s having this thought, but is it only me or does somebody else out there too feel that all that needs to be done has been done; all that was to be seen has been seen; all that was to be heard has been heard; all that was to be felt…all the tugging of heart-strings, all the tearing feeling within, all the mind-splitting headaches, all the laughs that were to be laughed…

Not even 25, and yet one wonders what could be so exciting that would elicit interest when the sun dawns tomorrow morning.

One wonders if we have actually been human or have we just somehow managed to convince the baser animals within that we have become civilized. We all have at some point in our lives given in to sins of flesh, food and money. Haven’t we been simply selfish all our lives? Or did we actually learn something about ‘human goodness’ from all those early morning assembly prayers at school? Did we actually learn to love another human being or did we simply do it fulfil our own desires of companionship?

I’ll tell you what I don’t feel. I don’t feel sad. Sad would’ve been me sitting with tears rolling down my eyes, but that’s not what’s happening. Sad would’ve been the end of this world, where examples of humanity and brotherhood wouldn’t have existed, but thankfully, that ain’t coming to an end either.

I don’t feel happy either. What purpose are we moving towards? I’m certain there is some great grand picture that we’re a part of, and each one of us has a role to play in the grand scheme of things. But when will the moment of truth dawn upon us? And what’s there to be happy about anyway? You were born alone, you live alone and you die alone. You meet a few interesting, and lots of uninteresting, people along the way. You remember a handful of them for the rest of your life, for the smiles they brought to your lips or the tears that you silently wept for them in the dead of the night.

I’m not ‘Comfortably Numb’ either. Whatever I am, I certainly ain’t ‘comfortable’.

I know exactly how some people are going to react to this post. “You’ve had lots of free time and you need to join your job ASAP so that you have something to keep yourself busy.”

Exactly.

Get me busy before I find out the truth. The answers could be more damning than this state of being in the dark.

[P.S. Background track – ‘Ehsaas’ by Atif.

Main ek fard hoon,
Ya ek ehsaas hoon?

Main ek jism hoon,
Ya rooh ki pyaas hoon?

Sach ki talaash hain,
Door akaash hain.

Manzil paas nahin,
Kya tu mere paas hai?

Kabhi main amla hoon,
Kabhi be-amla hoon.

-------

~translation~

Am I an individual,
Or a feeling?

Am I a body,
Or the thirst of a soul?

I’m in search of the truth,
And the sky is far away.

The destination isn’t close to me,
But are you?

Sometimes I’m a worker,
And sometimes I’m a useless nobody.]

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~End of previously written post~

I spoke to ‘Biscuit’ today and during that conversation, I told her something that I feel captured my thoughts and current state of mind. I told her that I feel like “I’m on a wooden raft, in the middle of a wide wide ocean. The water is dead calm and is leading me nowhere. The raft remains where it is and I have no tomorrow and no past. All I have, all I have the power to experience is the fleeting moment which is the present. I have to live my life and make the most out of the present moment."