Monday, October 16, 2006

The Roller Coaster

Life has been, and continues to be, a roller-coaster ride of emotions the last couple of days. In short, I do not know whether to classify my mental state as "happy" or "sad"; I guess I've just become a pendulum which swings between the two, never really coming close to either.

From Saturday night last week, when I was so angry and frustrated that I had trouble sleeping, through to today, when I am not being able to come to terms with myself to 'enjoy' life, I can say I've gone through it all (or have I?).

Don't get me wrong, I'm no poor-guy-look-at-him-and-feel-sorry. I'm fine, I'm normal; I'm just not.....me.

So, I began by taking my cell phone last Sunday and throwing it with all my might against the wall. I guess I hadn't let go of my anger (towards the world in general and myself in particular) for a long, long time. And the cellphone, in its decrepit condition (I'd been using the same phone for over 3 years), was just a focal point of all that was wrong.

The phone lay in 8 pieces before me, but I wasn't done yet. I shifted my gaze towards a brown carton which contained memories; letters, cards, photographs. One by one, I tore them up...pointless to carry stones and thorns with which one can only strew the path of the future.

I do not know what happened next, but something led me online. I was, in fact, staring at the blogger settings page which prompted whether the user was certain whether he/she wanted to delete the blog. Somehow, I resisted the devil's tempation. However, the fire was yet to subside and I automatically progressed to my Orkut home page. Somehow, I didn't feel the tug this time and I promptly went on to delete my Orkut account.

Back on my laptop, I deleted the various tools of communications, MSN Messneger, Yahoo Messenger, Skype...the works. "If someone really wants to contact me for something important, he can always e-mail me", said the little voice inside my head.

Oh, and before I forget, a whole folder of photographs on my laptop was also deleted.

Just last night, when I had the opportunity to hang out with friends and enjoy the various videos of groups that were prepared at the Institute, I gave up the idea 'coz I was feeling nauseated and sick. Unknown to many, I had had a dull, throbbing headache since afternoon. And of course, my sleep has lately been plagued with nightmares of fire, sweat, heat, death of loved ones, screams and crying...lots and lots of crying. No. There was no way I could reconcile with these emotions and put up a 'mukhota' in front of friends.
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It's difficult to try and act normal when one isn't so. If I could have had it my way, I've would've remain locked up in my room and not come out till I would've felt better.

But the wonderful thing about this world is that it forces you to come out of darkness, both, literally and philosophically.

I went for lunch to US Pizza today and observed that this was the first time in my stay at Ahmedabad of 1 and a half years that I was coming here. Needless to say, I was met with more than just an incredulous look from my friends.

I went to meet Bhai today as well and as luck would have it, Bhabhi was there too. While talking to her, I realized how close to the word 'hermit' I'd actually come. I'm not saying that I've reached the definition of the ultra 'corporate' hermit (that would be someone who talks-sleeps-eats-drinks 'business' and does little else), but yep... I've only gone for 1 movie to the cinema hall during my last 1 and a half years of MBA (which also means that I haven't been to Fun Republic to watch a movie, the basic criterion by which we say we've "had a good time"), my regular eating-out joints are limited to a) Madhurya, b) the Shiv Shakti Dhaba, c) Mc D at Big B on the SG Highway, and oh yes, I haven't once been out playing dandiya or garba on the 18 opportunities (9 nights x 2 years) that I had.

I dunno whether I'm weird, but I surely know that I don't feel like I've lost out on stuff.

P.S. Btw, I had posted something on my blog last night for a couple of hours, but then deleted it 'coz it was way too negative. Adios for now.

8 comments:

Raam Pyari said...

hmmm....
when you talk of tearing up cards and letters and pics, you invariably give a discerning[or dumb, depends on wedr I am right or no] reader like me ample evidence to kinda pinpoint the main reason for you getting so upset...[taking cue from something very big that was almost casually mentioned , and was cleverly hidden in huge post]

Things go wrong , as they sometimes will..
BUt what I have realised after that Bhai waala incindent, shekhar, is that there can be such BIG problems....
I have some distant relatives[i have never met them]. their family consisted of the father , mother and two daughters.
The father , a doctor, had been complaining of fever for some time and they took him to doctor.
He was diagnosed with cancer and was told he had 6 months to live.

He died in 3.

That was about 4 months ago..anywyas, his eldest daughter's shaadi was arranged by her dad only and she was supposed to get married this month.
But she is not.
Do you know why?
Coz for over a month now she has been in coma.

She met with an accident,her finace was driving the bike and she was riding pillion when they hit a truck...the guy got minor injuries and that girl went into coma.
There is little chance of her survival now..

In a matter of 5 months , the family is as good as reduced to half now.
And no this is not a filmy figment of my imagination..every word is true.

My point here is , that yess, somethings[whatever they are] seem big at one point of time, but luk at this story, can you vene think of consoling this family?
No, you cannot. these are real problems...
This is what I think of to come out things like what you are going thru..

Things happen, let them happen, aati hain, toh firr chali bhi jayengi..
choti si zinadagi hai, thoda muskara hi doh ?


maxxx waala gyaan ho gaya:D but I just went thru a tuff time myself and that is why i cud nt resist saying all this:)

abb agar koi aur hota toh i wud have added the essential, 'i hope you did not mind my saying all this' but tumhare saath....
naaaah!!!:D
Even if you did mind, inna toh haq banata hai abb:P

cheer up!
and no more cell koh fekna fakana!

Raam Pyari said...

kinna wadda comment hai!!!!
:D

Shekhar said...

Okie, first things first. Like you said, "kinna wadda comment hai"...lekin pata hai kya...its wonderful to see it. :)) You have no idea how happy it made me.

Now even I accept the fact that troubles do come in life; they are like the milestones on a highway, which you later look back at, smile, and say "I survived that and came out a wiser man from that experience."

Of course, the certain condition that you rightly pointed out is minuscule to the kind of problems some of the others in the world go through. In fact, when I look back, I feel almost stupid at getting so upset.

However, like I mentioned in that particular post itself, it ain't just that one factor which has led to the thoughts that I'm surrounded by now. Not that they're, again, as great as the ones that you mentioned an individual or a family could go through, but problem to hai hi.

Finally, aapki baat bhi sach hai. Zindagi hai, problems to aayenge hi. :D Question is, how quickly do we learn, adjust and adapt to the changed environment.

Aur fikar naa kar...tera to haq banta hai mujhse is tarah baat karne kaa. Itni puraani dosti, aur itni gehri bhi to hai (aakhir aap bhi Martin house waale thehre !!). :D

And I wouldn't even consider chucking my cell phone here or there now. Bhai bought me a camera waala cell phone, 8000 ka phone hai !! Ab pheka to Bhai mujhe uthaake phek dega.. :P

Arpana said...

:) life hain , hota hain. kal hi I bought an AK 47 to end all living forms , my bro suggested that i shld have bought a ticket to Antartica instead , should have worked out better for mankind :)
waise , aapki ye raam kahaani helped me train my team today , warna bechare would be on the bench for another day :D

Anonymous said...

its never easy to give up....its never easy to kill a dream but sometimes you have to do it for the sake of bigger ones...

Shekhar said...

arpana: :D :D

anonymous: Umm..true, to an extent.

shweta said...

how welll can i relate to u ....rite now ..i feel exactly the same ..a bout of anger for wat i cant do ...i have assignments lined up ...my focal of getting marks ...which goes to univ ...nd i feel dazed nd horrified cuz i dont feel like dng even one ..i have read enuf material for them but i just feel like maharana pratap ka ghoda ...who gets stuck at the crucial time ...just dont sme how ..jst dont feeel like dng it ..nd i feel absolutely at a loss for i keep studying material for it ..nd not pen it down ...nd i am losing time ...for my cat prep in this way ....nd it gives such a shit feeling down my spine ..tht at the end of the day i have not done nething ....nd i feel like flying objects ...cuz i hve not gone for a outing ...dont noe from when ...i guess i hve talked to much of me ....but writting all this ..jst let go one part of me ...may be i will sit down wth a pen nd paper now ..nd end up dng all the assignments till tommorow morning ....thts a wish ...i hope it gets blessed my our mundane cute lil god ...tke care ...
shwets

Shekhar said...

shweta: Hey babes, hang in there. And yes, going for an outing might actually be a good idea, even if that means a break. Actually, at times it is simply a break that is needed. And as for the flinging-the-thing-at-the-wall thing is concerned, let one or two (non-expensive) things fly...won't matter much but at least you'll get rid of some of the inaction within you.